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Eulogy time

July 10, 2009

It’s a bit late, but it’s not like anyone is  waiting with bated breath is it? My 2 paisa on Michael Jackson…

I knew who Jackson was since I was a very small but he really burst into the public conciousness of the 90’s generation when he visited Mumbai in 1996. I was 8 then and remember Michael Jackson pissing in Bal Thakrey’s loo and leaving a note in his pillow cover at the hotel, but 8 is not an age where I understood too much about music.

You ask most people which song of  Michael Jackson they remember the most and you’d likely get answers like Billie Jean or Beat it or something from that era. The one I remember the most comes from his last (and worst according to most people) album  ”Invincible”. It was called ‘You Rock My World’.  I was 13 or so then, which is a very impressionable age and one where watching Channel V made you cool in school.  I could never keep up the facade of liking Music channels though and gave up pretty early, but I digress. A friend brought the original cassete (CD’s cost 500 bucks then!) of Invincible which I recorded onto another cassete. It’s kinda like burning from one CD directly to another :P (sheesh, this sounds so antiquated!). I used to listen to it quite a lot and I especially remember liking this one song ‘2000 Watts’.

I know in hindsight, it probably wasn’t all that good and I liked it only because I wanted to like it…but such is the innocence of youth(!). I haven’t listened to anything from that album since a month after I got the casette to be honest. Then came all the scandals, the allegations and all through it a small part of me, even though I hardly knew anything about him, wanted to believe it wasn’t true. I don’t know why, I’ve thought about this many times, I just liked him.

Then in 2006, I got a cell phone. I was finally able to listen to whatver music I wanted to listen to without any disapproving stares. I listened to Jackson’s old songs, loved a few…hated a few more. I went on to Youtube, watched some of his old Pepsi Commercials and a part of me felt vindicated for liking him,  for he did seem likable.

And so as does always happen when someone famous dies, it unleashes a barrage of dormant memories.  Wacko Jacko, thanks a lot for that burst of nostalgia!

And this article(post?) is really very good. Please read it.  I have often been puzzled in the past two weeks, how someone who was such a loner, a bit of a psychopath, an alleged paedophile and much more was suddenly put onto a Mother Teresa like pedestal. Today, where 15 minutes of fame is making everyone and his dog a celebrity, it’s more important than ever to separate the celebrity persona and the person.

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June 16, 2009

The best one line undressing I’ve heard in a long time comes from Nasser Hussain. Suresh Raina is struggling with the barrage of short deliveries he’s getting from the English quicks and Nass goes in that delightfully ambiguous accent of his:

“I’ve heard a lot about this lad Raina. Didn’t they allow bouncers in the IPL?”

Wow. Pure acidic class.

But isn’t it fantastic to watch cricket with a quality commentary team in place? Yes Anil Kumble is way too reserved to be a commentator and that baritone makes me think he should replace Amitabh Bachhan as a narrator in movies. Yes, Wasim Akram needs to get out of that irritating habit of reading whatever statistical data is displayed on the TV screen. But they both radiate sincerity and somehow make you feel like you’re back in school with the teacher(who knows all!) breaking things down for you.

And the rest of the team is just brilliant. Harsha Bhogle, David Lloyd, Tony Cozier, Ian Bishop, Nasser Hussain, Simon Doull and the rest are so much fun to listen to. Compare this to the SONY team for the IPL which was like a hyperactive kid on recreational drugs what with the slides and all.  Such a relief to be free of the hyperventilating Ravi Shastri and uber pretentious Sunil Gavaskar. Speaking of Ravi Shastri, just remembered this metaphor I’d read about him (probably on Cricinfo) where he was likened to  a hyena, howling because he was trapped in a barbed wire fence at midnight!

And Cricinfo’s  Fantasy Cricket is so addictive! I only started properly playing in the IPL, but I didn’t make my transfers regularly then, logging on once in 3 days or so. But in this World Cup, I’ve been very regular and I have enjoyed it a lot. I wonder why they don’t advertise about it on ESPN or offer any prizes… Anyways, I’m in the top 7000 as of now, not bad for a nOOb :)

All fans of sarcasm (and those who know nothing about medicine in particular) should watch ‘Dr. House’. Outrageously fantastic dialogues, enough thrills to keep you hooked and fantstic acting from the entire cast. And I’ve really learned a little bit about medicine in general as well (which was not too difficult consuidering that i knew absolutely nothing, but still). Likewise ‘Entourage” which is….ummm…so much Fun. That’s really the best way to describe it, fun. Can’t wait for the next season of both…

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Headaches etc.

August 11, 2008

Edit: This is being posted tremendously late. I typed it all up about a year ago and then forgot to post it. Anyways…

I now know exactly why people make movies like ‘Dil Dosti Etc’. It’s to help sorry souls like me to rediscover their blogging mojo. In my defence I will say that we’d gone to see ‘Manorama: 6 feet under’(hardly an inviting title eh?) but they were running just one show of it and well…you know the drill. Now I really regret not having gone home and watching it on the comp instead but I had a newspaper with me where I saw Mayank Shekhar saying that it was a good movie.

Now I don’t subscribe to Mumbai Mirror, but from whatever of it I do get to read occasionally, this guy seemed pretty decent. I generally go for reviews from Raja Sen(please ignore his star rating though-read the review) over at Rediff and this chap who also seems pretty sensible. My bad in trusting Mr. Mayank Shekhar. All I have to say to him is : What the fuck???

Listen dude, I gave up on The Slimes Of India long ago, so I don’t give a rat’s ass if it gives DDE 3 stars. But if there ever was a review which was paid for, pretentious and oh so hollow, it’s gotta be yours. Your Mumbai Mirror website is so horrible that even after 20 minutes I haven’t managed to find a link to it so I give up. But seriously, you liked the movie? It reminded you of your Delhi University days? Really? That means all you ever did at DU was fight for elections, visit brothels and oh yes smoke cheap cigarettes. (off topic- wasn’t smoking banned on reel?) I never thought I’d say this but MU seems like a haven in comparison.

Anyways, I find myself at a loss for words(which is probably why I blog so much :( ) to tell you more. There is no story, the dialogoues are painfully bad and contrived, the girls are groan inducing as well. But the X-factor has got to be the acting. I haven’t seen anybody acting worse than this…EVER. I hope Naseeruddin Shah slapped his son silly. In fact I really hope he disowns him. Honestly, this is hands down the worst movie I’ve ever seen in a theatre. I’m sure there have been worse movies but well, they don’t take themselves so seriously. Something like ‘See No Evil’ tends to fall into the so bad that its good category. But genuinely guys… I’m not going overboard, I’m not exaggerating. But if you don’t believe me…well you still shouldn’t watch this pathetic excuse for a movie to prove me wrong!

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July 9, 2008

Okay i know I haven’t posted in a gazillion years…but I simply must share this: www.bash.org

Seriously, one of the best websites I’ve seen in a long time. I can’t remember for the life of me who told me about it…but hey, thanks a million.

Some excepts:

  • <Anonymous> Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
    <Anonymous> Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
    <Anonymous> Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”
    <Anonymous> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.
    <Anonymous> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.
  • docsigma2000: jesus christ man
    docsigma2000: my son is sooooooo dead
    c8info: Why?
    docsigma2000: hes been looking at internet web sites in fucking EUROPE
    docsigma2000: HE IS SURFING LONG DISTANCE
    docsigma2000: our fucking phone bill is gonna be nuts
    c8info: Ooh, this is bad. Surfing long distance adds an extra $69.99 to your bill per hour.
    docsigma2000: …!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK
    docsigma2000: is there some plan we can sign up for???
    docsigma2000: cuz theres some cool stuff in europe, but i dun wanna pauy that much
    c8info: Sorry, no. There is no plan. you’ll have to live with it.
    docsigma2000: o well, i ccan live without europe intenet sites.
    docsigma2000: but till i figure out how to block it hes sooooo dead
    c8info: By the way, I’m from Europe, your chatting long distance.
    ** docsigma2000 has quit (Connection reset by peer)

  • <cassius_clay13> so I was with my friend bryan the other night in a bar
    <cassius_clay13> well he got really drunk and said he was gonna puke
    <cassius_clay13> so i helped him walk to the toilet
    <cassius_clay13> all the stalls were occupied
    <emoti_conartist> lol
    <cassius_clay13> bryan is a rugby player… so a big guy
    <cassius_clay13> so he fucking KICKS one of the stall doors open
    <cassius_clay13> and there’s this guy in there taking a shit
    <emoti_conartist> hahahahahaha
    <cassius_clay13> and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM
    <cassius_clay13> then (this is genius) bryan thinks ‘oh shit… if i were taking a shit and someone came in and was sick all over me, i’d want to fuck him up… so i’d better hit him first’
    <cassius_clay13> so he fucking SMACKS this guy in the face
    <cassius_clay13> and runs away
    <cassius_clay13> imagine being that guy… WORST NIGHT OUT EVER

  • <third_planet> The other night my friend had some pot and wanted me to smoke it with him, but we had nowhere to smoke it because both our parents were home.
    <third-planet> So we drove around looking for a place to park so we could smoke in the car.
    <third-planet> We eventually settled on a Wendys parking lot..
    <Mr-Butlertron> The logic is all there…
    <third-planet> I know, it was a ridiculous idea. We were just desperate and that was the first place to pull off..
    <third-planet> So we park in the back of the parking lot under this tree, and it’s dark out, so we figure we’re secluded enough. We start to light up and a cop pulls in. So we both sit really still and hope the cop will think the car is empty and just parked there. Or that he won’t notice.
    <third-planet> The cop circles the parking lot once, then parks behind us and we’re both freaking out. So Bobby, my friend, takes all the pot and shoves it in the glove compartment. But the car smells like pot, so we figure we’re busted.
    <third-planet> So Bobby says we’ve gotta distract the cop from the pot. In a huge flash, he rips his shirt off, undoes my pants and sticks his hand inside. Before I can process what’s happening, the cop knocks on my window. Then he looks in and sees Bobby shirtless, with his hand down my pants and turns bright red.
    <third-planet> I roll my window down and the cop says in this really flustered voice, his face bright red, “you guys be good now” and walks quickly back to his car and drives off.
    <third-planet> He didn’t even notice the smell of pot.
    <third-planet> We drove home in the most uncomfortable fucking silence ever.

OKk…that’s enough now, don’t wanna steal their traffic..so go there yourself pronto.

 

On another note…read the new Jeffrey Archer, yes the one with those ‘glowing’ reviews. No idea where they are coming from. The most complimentary thing I can think of saying is that unlike some of his other recent works…it doesn’t completely suck. But then that’s not saying much is it? Certainly not in the league of his earlier works. Reading short stories by Fredrick Forsyth now. So basically back to where I was 3 years ago, no progress whatsoever towards reading ‘quality’ stuff. However, I have still kept ‘Shalimar the Clown’ by Salman Rushdie, which I intend to finish before I graduate *did I just put that in writing? Shit..*! And ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ which I haven’t even started, but I’m gonna read that as well…I really am.

Anyways, I’m quitting while I’m ahead here and more importantly, before WordPress starts to figure out how this blog isn’t extinct yet. Ciao…

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May 29, 2007

Greetings folks. I’m expecting this post to be cut short any moment by a knock at the door if when my dad chooses to get up at this unearthly hour (which WILL happen, I don’t need Murphy to tell me that)  at which I will with a show of reflexes not previously known from me, switch off the monitor with my left index finger while grabbing Mesrs.  Sadri, Patgawkar and Co’s  ‘Applied Sciences II’  which I have strategically opened to ‘Water-line Corrosion’ and placed on a chair next to me, with my right.  Phew, that was a hell of a sentence.

On a second look though it doesn’t seem too good and I’m sure that if I pasted it in MS Word I’d get a ton of those green squiggly lines which tell you – Fragment (consider revising). But what the heck, I spent five minutes typing that up,  so it stays. Boo.

And is it just me, or does everyone spend time between exams planning up things to do once the hols begin (yeah, I still have an Enid Blyton hangover. Sue me. *) which we all know perfectly well will be promptly consigned to the  -Naah, too boring- category once they start? It’s bad enough that I spent my entire PL downloading 11 -yep, that’s eleven- movies and the entire second season of Lost.  Then this morning I run into this on our LAN,  which looks positively yummy (the movie, not Cate Blanchett**).  Well, I was always of the weak kind you know… the first guy to succumb to temptation, the guy who is the first to walk out of the room when the teacher tells everyone who hasn’t brought their English Composition books to leave the class. Thats just me. So I sit. And I watch. And then spend an hour reading about Judi Dench’s grandma on IMDB. Perfectly normal way for me to spend time on the day before exams. Sometimes I wonder why I’m in a vegetarian college. I think I just got my answer…

Also yesterday was not a good day because I had second cousins visiting. Are all cousins so mindnumbingly irritating? Mine never seem to grow beyond 9. They just seem to stay rooted in some strange variation of the fourth dimension where they never seem to grow beyond spilling milk all over the table, leaving the newspaper strewn all over the couch, playing ‘Dangerous Dave’ (no kidding) and when all else fails spitting at people on the street from the balcony. Yeah. Was it fate that lead me to this? The man certainly has a point.

Also got Shantaram last week. That book is way too big. Aah well, chapter one was good… hope the rest doesn’t drag.

Word of the day : Bathos !

Anyways … I think i better get back to Techmax Publications what with the exam just 9 and a half hours away. Adios…..

* I’ve always wanted to say that !

** And that too !

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Jhumpa Lahiri

March 17, 2007

Two of the best short stories which the three or four readers of my blog are likely to come upon….

http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/05/08/060508fi_fiction

http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2004/05/24/040524fi_fiction

Yes yes…. the theme is recurring…. after a while NRI-giri also seems a tad monotonous. But she still rocks…

Dammit Mira Nair, The Namesake better be good.  

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Pah!

February 22, 2007

I know Jeffrey Archer is not literature, but with some of his previous works, you’d excuse me for being tempted to pick up his latest. Unfortunately, ‘False Impression’ totally lives up to its name and is pure humbug. The whole book is basically about a certain Dr. Anna Pertescu (who seems to have stepped straight out of one of Sidney Sheldon’s books) using the 9/11 tragedy to save someones life in England. Through in a missing Van Gogh and that’s pretty much it.  The whole plot is so contrived that even a four year old would show great disbelief.  Everyone seems to be escaping and stealing too conveniently for you to hold any interest. The central character does not do anything even remotely smart, its always the bad guys who keep slipping up. No red herrings along the way at all, just a lot of flip flopping between the scenes to confuse you….the ending is a huge anti-climax.

Normally I wouldn’t  think too much about this …. console myself thinking that there must’ve been something I learned, but unless you’re interested in Impressionist Art and the price (or cost? still confused between the two!) of a whole lotta paintings,  you certainly aren’t taking much away from here.  Uhhh…Mr. Archer? Go back to writing short stories, that’s where you are best…or atleast used too be. Seriously, this is something that you should put right up with your HSC physics textbooks…..to ship off to your enemies.

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Shin Chan Mania

January 30, 2007

Someone please be kind enough to explain to me why teenagers all over Bombay are suddenly obssesing over this manga known as Shin Chan.  I concede that the main character has got an awesome voiceover in the Hindi edition and some of the pranks he plays may be termed as ‘adorable’ but the horrendous quality of the animation is such a huge turn off that I simply can’t seem to get into it.

Hell, I don’t even mind saying that it’s not repulsive….maybe worth watching once in a while. I’d be totally okay if a lot of kids were enjoying it. But the number of guys aged 18 and above who want to go home early from college because “sade-chhe ko shin chan hai naa” and the number of orkut profiles with that little dweebs image as their profile picture is befuddling. Its turned into teenage Poke-monia and honestly, I’d like someone to tell me why.

 Edit: Crayon Shin Chan has an 8.8 on IMDB. So obviously the problem is with me. Sigh…

 Edit again: Lollwa! The moral police are at it again.

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Lucky Latif

January 5, 2007

Has lady luck been masquerading as Maa Kali of late?

Because Saurav Ganguly is one lucky bastard.

Crap like this is getting me all worked up: http://www.thesillypoint.com/blogs/?p=23

The  only time Ganguly has looked even remotely comfortable was in the first test when the South Africans were bowling it short, but they were bowling short outside the stumps. That gives him room to free his arms and cut or pull, which is the only thing he can do when they pitch it short to him.

 But obviously Smith and his boys went back and did some homework. Cometh the second test, everything thrown short at him was directed in to him at his ribs, cramping him up. And ever since, he’s looked as confident as a  penguin doing a tap dance. The entire second innings at Durban was swing and miss luckily connect. Ditto for the first innings at Newlands. As Harsha Bhogle said on air, this was not something you wanted to see, even  if you weren’t a cricket fan.  And he should have been out first ball in the second innings if Smith hadn’t been so bullheaded as to not have a fourth slip when Makhaya Ntini was bowling. I mean come on, for Saurav Ganguly, you have a fourth slip even when Saurav Ganguly is bowling!

And just to clear it out, I am not your ubiquitous Ganguly hater. I’d genuinely like to see him do well. But lets be brutally honest here, he should not be there in the test team. ODI, yeah maybe. But not for tests.

And for Ravi Shastri and all the assholes who suggested sending Sehwag to open, HA! Look what happened. Sehwag should never be opening. His technique is way to poor. He should bat at 6, so he can face the old ball and score some quick runs before the tail disappears. He was looking fine in the first innings wasn’t he? All this ‘taking the attack to the opposition’ is no good if a 24 inch python can travel between your bat and pad.

Edit:

From Cricinfo:Pardeep Sharma stings us with this, “Looks like Laxman was watching the match on TV, else he would have joined Dravid. Embarassing situation for India – ideally the whole team should be padded up if Sehwag is opening for India”

Well someone still has a sense of humour.

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Dear oh dear….

December 28, 2006

Seinfeld is always fabulous (excuse me if I’m repetitive about this!) but Georgie boy really outdoes himself with this…. 

“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean life is tough.It takes up a lot of time. What do you get at the end of it-Death?? What’s that, a bonus? i think, the life cycle is backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way.Then you go live in an old age home. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work for forty years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party and get ready to attend High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back, you spend your last 9 months floating with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap and then finish off as an orgasm. Amen!!”