Stand By Me…

When I was around 25 years old or so, I found myself in a dark, mouldy but rather empty cinema hall on a Saturday morning correcting what was sacrilege for many of my generation. I was finally watching the cult classic DDLJ at the Maratha Mandir in Mumbai. In any case, the movie was a nice, quaint story. Quite what I’d expected after having heard so much about it over the years and frankly it’s always difficult to live up to such levels of hype. But there was one part though which stayed with me far longer than rest of the movie.

“Pyaar karti ho mujse?”

”Sabse zyaada”

”Bharosa hai mujhpe?”

“Khud se zyaada”

Struggling to resolve the tale of romance in my own life, unable to quite articulate what I was going through, debating the validity of what I was feeling – I loved the second part of that dialogue. In many ways it helped me resolve multiple layers of conflict within and beyond myself at that point in life. To trust unconditionally (have bharosa) is the pinnacle of human relationships isn’t it? And if you have trust – complete, absolute trust – everything else can be worked out.

(Not necessarily trust someone to do the right things – because what even is ‘right’ on a global level, there is only right for me which we extrapolate to right for us with a big Johari Window blindspot.  No this is more about trust someone to have and act with the right intentions).

And yet, while trust as a facet of romantic love is something we think about so much and is reflected in popular culture – it comes later in life. We start of in life with another form of unconditional trust – of a child with their parents. But those bonds are unconditional and almost subconscious at that age.

The first trust we consciously plant and cultivate in our lives is trust in friends. There is a je ne sais quoi in the bonds of friendship which children build which isn’t quite the same as adults. Purity, carelessness, lack of expectation – none of these quite capture it. Sure it may initially be based on far more primal impulses of give and take. But there is a happenstance to it which is almost like that element of a magic potion. Something which allows the relationship to come of age as we do as boys and girls, like fine wine.

When you’re older you’re more calculative about your friends. You think more about the relationships at a meta level. Different parts are visible to different friends. Do we even trust anyone with the whole me? Not for one minute am I saying that these friends are less significant or the friendship is any less valuable. But there’s a happenstance to it which is missing.

As I wistfully look back on my own childhood now, I wonder how much of the person I am today is shaped by those early attempts at friendship – the ones that flowered as well as the ones that didn’t.

Even 8 year old’s want to be a part of the inner circle and hang with the cooler kids. It’s 1996 and one of the cool kids just clams up suddenly. 8 is hardly an age to psychoanalyze a kid’s reaction but lesson learnt. Don’t let anyone get too close.

To be a part of a clique in school is most young boys’ delight. But even within the in-group there are some folks you trust more than others. And there are some who trust others more than you.

Early in college it’s a balancing act. Do you be yourself and wait for friendships to develop organically? Or do you make an effort to go out and ‘socialize’. How else would you find out whom you connect with and whom you don’t? It’s one of those vicious circles isn’t it?

But the friendship that sticks in spite of all of this is invaluable. Perhaps it’s not for everyone. As Lata Mangeshkar said in another movie “Har kisi ko nahin milta yahaan pyar zindagi mein..”

I’m more at piece with saying it’s also okay if those friendships don’t stand the test of time. Growing up is about accepting that many relationships don’t last or even if they do, they change.  The memories from them (I avoid using the word lessons) do last though forever. Nostalgia is such a crucial part of life. Revisit the Don Draper pitch on Nostalgia (Mad Men, S1E1) – “it literally means the pain from an old wound”.

As an adult, every time I watch this listen to this song (the one linked on top of the article, from the movie Stand By Me) and watch this video, I have lump in my throat. The song is of course far more well known but it’s this picturization of adolescent friendship really gets me. I was watching it in front of my wife and had to make an effort to blink nascent teardrops out of my eye.

As a father to a 2 year old, I wish for my son all the typical things that most fathers probably desire. Those include fulfilling relationships in all spheres of life. But above all I wish for him to experience the magic of unconditional friendship. Where you won’t be afraid, as long as you have someone to stand by you.

Memory Lane…

I’m ringing out my birthday reading a most beautiful collection of short stories – but still rather melancholy and haunting. Not what you’d want to read on a day purportedly of celebration but hey those are times we’re living it so maybe it’s only appropriate. Let me add the requisite hashtags in case 40 year old me doesn’t remember what I was talking about : #CoronaVirus #Covid19 #Quarantine #Lockdown #Apocalypse etc. etc.

I’ve learnt to not just appreciate but also prefer the short story more than other fiction over time. Is this a function of something else other than being pressed for time? Something to think about in another post…

But this was about recording memories so let me come back to that. I tried thinking of my past birthdays and I realised my working memory just about goes 11 years back? What was a passing thought yesterday has turned into a necessity…

2020 – Quarantine. Lockdown etc. Home all day. G baked a cake with a lot of mehenat. It was delicious but too small. And she also cooked chinese food in celebration of those who gave us the corona virus. Pictures on Google Photos (god i hope that doesn’t go the Orkut way…). K finally wished me happy birthday at 6.30 pm in the evening. Light day of work only interspersed with mundane calls from a new client which are still going over my head…

2019 – Workshop at the client in Teacher’s colony, Bandra East. So spent the whole day there. They realised around 3 pm that it was my birthday so there was an impromptu last minute cake cutting – thanks RA. Ran into a lot of traffic on my way home IIRC. G had baked a cake – chocolate and strawberries I think? What else? I can’t even remember stuff from a year ago?

2018 – Parents & in-laws had gone for a play (I think?) the night before and got cake when they came back at midnight. G made that memorable card with K’s hand & foot prints which was nicely laminated. Long working day on my first consulting client, so did a lot of bitching about that. Maybe I went for a walk in the evening? I dunno…jesus this is hard.

2017 – This was a Sunday. Read Sapiens in the morning. Or maybe it was delivered that morning. One of the two. We went to Tughlaqabad fort in the afternoon which was great to explore – tough on G who was expecting then. And then Burma Burma for dinner in CyberHub – which was one of the few restaurants I’ve visited which I whole heartedly recommend to anyone. Think we clicked some pictures near the Chumbak at CyberHub. One of the more memorable ones. Last one where Aajoba was around as well I now realise.

2016 – We went to Connaught Place in the evening – to Parivartan, the rotating restaurant – which was an average place as all these restaurants are with a decent view. And then one of those old colonial coffee houses for a coffee. Bought a world map off the street in CP I recall. Not much else no? Was a Saturday, so probably had some celebration at work the coming Monday. Clearly not memorable enough.

2015 – First birthday in Gurgaon and we’d just moved there less than a few weeks ago – new team, new place yet so few memories. I recall that in the celebration at office I ended up somehow tearing one of my favorite formal shirts or trousers (amazing what things the mind decides to retain and what it doesn’t). I remember leaving work early because T from my new team told me to “go home and spend some time with your wife”. G had baked made pizza at home? And the plate cracked in the microwave? Am I mixing this up? No I don’t think so. But I recall the Oreo cake shaped like a bear from the night prior which was super cute. The bear didn’t turn out as pretty as they do on Pinterest but hey – anything with Oreo is wonderful.

2014 – Hyderabad. Think I was still in that temporary apartment I lived in for a week before we moved to the larger flat downstairs. I met the RB from XL at Sholay restaurant in Begumpet in the afternoon, he was in town for some work. I positively sneaked out of office to meet him – we tried to get a beer but the place didn’t serve any. So we then had something like tonic water or ginger ale…anyway. Told him about upcoming life plans for the rest of the year and he gave great advice as he always does. Then came back to office just in the nick of time for celebrating with my team – I remember the pasting you get with cake is so bad that S actually made me wear a parka of sorts with a newspaper to not get my formal clothes cakey. I loved that team. And later in the evening Bubbs was so apologetic about forgetting that he actually went and got some muffins from the More Superstore. Sigh…

2013 – I was in the weirdest of places – Kota in Rajasthan on a sales market visit! Remember getting a call from my then boss RM asking me why didn’t I tell him and I shouldn’t have traveled etc. But I never minded travelling alone and this was a memorable birthday. Think I got off the train just after midnight, came to the hotel. Then went to the office in the morning. Then the sales beat. Wrapped up early evening and came back to the hotel after seeing how the student population interacts with the telecom market. Good stuff. Then went to some random store opposite where I stayed and bought a couple of trousers. Think I had beer and some chicken in the hotel with some IPL before boarding the midnight train back to Jaipur where I was staying? This last bit is fuzzy. But since it was my 25th birthday, received 25 very texts from someone I thought may end up being important in my life – sigh…little do we know where life will take us. Wish I could extract those messages from somewhere…for purely academic purposes 🙂

2012 – We’d just finished with XL. Came back from Tirupati – post convocation trip with the parents and think I entered the door just after midnight. This was a weird birthday, had a couple of ‘dates’ (well not technically dates but I struggle for the right word) – both which didn’t exactly end smoothly – one in Panchpakhadi and the other in some hotel outside Thane East. One was certainly ugly for the other party – I remember skidding my bike in my nervousness. Some Mumbai folks from XL visited with some cake late at night which was nice, I guess?

2011 – Summer internship days at TML. Recall a party with XL folk in the evening at a place in Marol, there was a fun email thread (no WhatsApp remember?) which built to this all day long. A few pictures of this in K’s album on Facebook IIRC? Then some good Samaritan friend decided that since someone who I allegedly (ok) had a crush on hadn’t turned up for the dinner, we should go meet that person. So we drove to Deonar or Chembur or whatever to have a half an hour conversation on the side of the road near their chummery. This probably isn’t very exciting but in the spirit of honestly recording any mundanity I must diligently make note of it. Can’t recall if there were any celebrations in TML? I think we were staying in that hotel in Churchgate for that first week but it’s all a blur. If I recall correctly, later that weekend cut a cake with the boys at the adda opposite the PCG as well which also has pictures on Facebook (such a life-saver that portal is I now realise)

2010 – Think I’d got an admit for XL but was in the middle of the paperwork dilemmas then so it was not very clear if I would go or wouldn’t go. We celebrated that evening with a most motley crew (well it wasn’t motley then, it’s just that these 4 or 5 individuals probably never ever met together again) at MM’s (Damle’s) place White House, Khopat. There was the Keral ka Raja VN, Dikki KM, and RM (he of TTD-MMD – tu tera dekh, mein mera dekhta hoon fame). NONE OF WHOM I HAVE NOW SPOKEN TO FOR MANY MANY YEARS. Amaze. I recall also wearing some rock/metal T-shirt of O’s for some reason. There was cake here when we met for a night-out , and I think there will be some photographic evidence in old cellphone cameras. But little recollection of what happened earlier that day.

And that’s it. That’s as far as my memory goes. I honestly do not recall any of the birthdays which took place in engineering before that. I must search old cellphone photos for some hints. Further back – 2005 and 2006 had something to do with that godawful HSC coaching (worst academic year of my life bar none). 2004 I don’t recall anything except that this was after the SSC exams and the best holidays of my absolute life. We used to play in Vishnunagar/Ramwadi on the streets (badminton? or cricket?) and I remember going back and taking a long shower (cold only then) in the summer heat as the clock turned. And then staying up all night to watch a Champions League match (I was so sure it was AC Milan vs. Inter Milan. But I googled and it seems there wasn’t even a match that day. Wow 😐 ) So maybe I watched something else ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m now questioning what is the point of a diary and why did people spend so much time writing one (hint, hint) at close to 2 am in the night so I think it’s best to end this here…

Birthdays & metamorphosis…

The whole point of a blog is to record life – or to put it more accurately, snippets of life? It’s at least what I started out with. The challenge is motivating oneself to record this with no incentive. Especially now that we have photographs (and memories on Google Photos) and Facebook memories and Twitter etc. – the effort to write seems to be a lot to put in. But I sense you don’t get an accurate view of how you ‘felt’ at that moment. What you were thinking. What you were cribbing about, what you were grateful about. Which is important no? If one needs to evolve, one needs to know where one started from…

One of my laments – and the subject of conversations lubricated by alcohol with old friends – in recent times is the lack of ‘evolution’ I see in myself. I am essentially I feel the same person I was a decade ago. A decade ago, when I had never stepped outside Mumbai, where my exposure to reality was probably 10% of what it is today – I was still perhaps a similar person. Definitely far more shallower. Probably a bit more pretentious and annoying. Perhaps more diffident and full of self-doubt. But these are natural changes as a function of time, the imposter syndrome within me explains (I am being charitable masking genuine doubts under the cloak of the imposter syndrome isn’t it?). As the Marathi/Hindi proverb goes – even a stone kept in the flow of a river smoothens itself with time. I suppose I’m missing a metamorphosis.

Should one metamorphose? Is it even necessary? Does anyone? I’m tracking the need to metamorphose to an inflated sense of greatness in childhood. I was never a boy-genius or anything, but when I was younger (primary-school young i.e.) I was smarter (in the more conventional ways at least) than other kids around me. As I grew older, I became more and more mediocre (not a slur this) – a big fish in a small pond if one should be honest. And I rationalized perhaps by blaming it on wrong career choices, on sub-optimal decisions at different points of times. But things were supposed to fall into place. Der aayega, par durust aayega. But it didn’t happen. It’s easy to both complain or be falsely satisfied with your life – if you think of it relative to other people. So I am grateful and I know had luck not rolled my way at a few crucial moments, things could’ve sucked more. But I’m also cognizant that I’m not special. Which is fine. But that is not what one was promised as a toddler. I’ll be more watchful with my kid 🙂

And I have seen people metamorphose. Physically at least. Personality-wise (such an Indian phrase no?). People losing a ton of weight and becoming fitness freaks. People cultivating hobbies. People who change career tracks and follow what seems to be their passion. Protected saajuk-tuup kids becoming stereotypical bad boys with hot girls around their shoulders. Bad boys sobering up and becoming impactful, influential and responsible citizens. Sure they’re the minority. But it can happen. Did I want it to happen to me? Did I need it? I guess you’ll never be able to answer that. You always want what you don’t get…

I love contrasting K’s life with mine though – as kids who’ve grown up together in a similar cultural (if not family) milieu. Met KK and his wife recently and it was difficult for us to explain to her how action-packed his life has been. The risks he’s taken, the daredevilry he’s pulled off – for folks like us who’ve played by the book it’s impossible to contemplate almost. And that allows you to metamorphose. K at 16 and 32 are unthinkably different. Me? Predictably mediocre. Would’ve hoped for better things but  I didn’t stray from the line too much. For someone of the privilege and support that I had – probably achieved what I should have.

Anyway, it’s only my 32nd birthday which has ticked over as I wrote this piece! A lot can change in life still. No? Hope springs eternal. What will my ramblings on my 42nd birthday be about? Will this platform be around to record them? What were my ramblings on my 22nd birthday? I was in engineering, I’d received an admit to a big b-school, dream come true etc. Lol. Birthdays in recent times have been so much about nostalgia and thinking about previous birthdays. I feel like that’s the most interesting activity of the day. Maybe that’s a good thing to spend time on and record in my next post.

I had zero enthusiasm or build-up for this birthday, perhaps an all-time low. I’m almost amused by adults who get excited about their birthdays, but usually there is that something that you feel na? This year though, there’s not even that. Also to do with the lockdown and quarantine I daresay, so there isn’t too much to look forward to. Cheesy to admit it – and I always enjoy such things more when I’m the object and not the subject – but it was nice when we called each other at midnight or sometimes even turned up with a cake at friends places. Oh well, the house is quiet enough to hear a mouse. But I’ve received 2 (two) messages on #Whatsapp. So that’s something. Here’s to growing older and evolving (into what? That’s a separate post surely), if not metamorphosing…